A Sandy Hook resident shares her personal journey in adjusting her views of her quiet hometown now being the setting of one of the worst school shootings in America.
Carolyn Fagerholm, 22, has lived in the same house in Sandy Hook, Conn., all her life. She attended Sandy Hook Elementary School as a child, as did her three younger siblings, and graduated Newtown High School in 2011. Just last May, she graduated from the University of North Carolina at Wilmington.
“Newtown, despite being big, always felt small. You couldn’t go to a grocery store without seeing someone you knew, and the middle and high school aged kids often complained that there was nothing to do,” Fagerholm reminisced. “Small, innocent and unassuming. It always seemed like Newtown was a bubble where bad things didn’t happen.”
Then the unthinkable happened. On December 14, 2012 (12/14), Newtown’s bubble was blasted through, when the shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary School left twenty children and six educators dead.
The night before 12/14, Fagerholm had stayed at her roommate’s home on Long Island. As she took the ferry over to Connecticut, she saw a television broadcasting that there had been a shooting at a school in Fairfield County.
“I felt worried and wondered which [school]. Fairfield County turned into Newtown soon after, and then someone changed the channel to watch a football game.”
With two younger sisters attending Newtown High School and a younger brother attending Newtown Middle School nearby, Fagerholm was afraid for her siblings’ safety. Looking for answers, she immediately texted her two younger sisters.
“My sister, a senior at the time, responded telling me it had been at Sandy Hook. Until I got off the ferry and met my Dad, I was in denial.”
“I convinced myself that a kid had brought in their parent’s gun and it had gone off or that it was an accident. It never even occurred to me that what really happened was even possible,” Fagerholm explained.
When Fagerholm got off the ferry and met her father, she learned more information about what had happened in her hometown. Her father told her that the principal had been shot.
“It only hit me then. The drive home was excruciating. Every radio channel was spouting out different information, different numbers. It was confusing and jarring. We didn’t know what to think.”
Upon arriving home, she recalled sitting with her family watching the news and waiting for answers.
“We cried a lot, but didn’t say much,” she said.
“After I found out what had happened, I just remember being overcome with grief. It was so shocking. It was like someone had dropped a bomb in all of our hearts.”
Her younger brother spent the evening contacting his friends whose younger siblings attended Sandy Hook Elementary School. Fortunately, everyone who he contacted reported their family members were safe.
When the official list of victim’s names was revealed, Fagerholm and her family found that they knew two first-grade boys.
“My father is the coach of the Parks and Rec swim team. One of his swimmers, who also lived in our neighborhood, Daniel Barden, was a victim.”
“We also knew James Mattioli, whose sister had been on the team a previous season,” Fagerholm recalled. “The Mattiolis were regulars at the town pool where me and my sisters lifeguarded. I can still see them all clearly in the pool laughing and enjoying the day together.”
“I was unhappy to see reporters over the next few days camped outside of churches and almost any other public building trying to get a quote or interview with anyone they could. I was very unhappy with how rumors were presented as fact, for example the shooter being misidentified for his brother, and the number of victims. It just made everything harder.”
Fagerholm continued, “I understand that all reporters have a job to do, but I do not think that this job should be conducted with a lack of compassion and respect for those involved.”
Even when the camera crews and the media began to leave her hometown, it was difficult to return to a normal life.
“I was sad and sometimes angry like most people in town, I think. It took me a long time to be able to talk about it, even with close friends.”
“It took me months to be able to drive past Sandy Hook School. I took whatever route necessary to avoid that section of the street,” Fagerholm said.
“At least once, my mother, brother and I went to the grocery store one town over so we wouldn’t run into anyone. I think we just needed to step back from the madness for a little while.”
Fagerholm mainly spent that college winter break at home trying to devote as much time to be with her family. When she made efforts to lead a normal life, even just going out to eat, she was faced with the reality of her town’s new identity after 12/14.
“I remember someone in a restaurant asking me where I was from, and I answered honestly. I think I hesitated some, but I felt that if I lied it would feel like a betrayal, like I was ashamed of my home. I didn’t want that.”
Since 12/14, Fagerholm and her family have supported a number of local organizations dedicated to making a positive change in their community.
“I have made and invited many people I know to make the Sandy Hook Promise,” said Fagerholm, referring to the local Newtown group dedicated to protecting children from gun violence, whose staff includes a number of parents who had a child killed in 12/14.
“I also participated in a Ben’s Bells painting group. I wear the bracelets and my Ben’s Bells necklace almost every day,” Fagerholm continued, bringing up the organization whose mission is to spread intentional acts of kindness.
Even her younger brother has chosen to do what he can to support his town. He has participated in the Swim-A-Thon fundraiser, which she explained has been hosted by the Newtown Parks and Recreation every year since 12/14 for Daniel Barden.
“I think Newtown has really done the only thing that you can after something like 12/14 and tried to change things for the better. We choose love and have decided to be kind. I am proud to say that I come from this community.”
“We take it a day at a time and try to live with compassion and kindness. Some days are harder than others, but every day we try to choose to make things better around us,” said Fagerholm.
“I would like people to remember the victims of Sandy Hook and I would like them to remember to Choose Love and Be Kind. We need to be compassionate and work to make this world a better place than it was on 12/14.”